missing

realizing today how much I am missing so many things.

I miss having a home, being grounded and settled. I miss having a job where I am using my skills and abilities, where I am seen as an asset. I miss having a group of friends who I know and love, who I am in community with.

I am especially missing my friends tonight, and wishing I could just take people and put them back in my world. That I could change things and make it so time, distance, and desires didn't matter. I so wish for heaven to come while at the same time wanting more time here - there are so many that don't know you Lord.

I miss so many things right now - but at the same time am so thankful for what God has been doing. He has taught, grown, and changed me in ways that could have never happened if I had stayed home. I have also seen him seek after people with such love and compassion.

When we step out in faith and follow his calling he is faithful to see us through it. I know he has a plan for me and that he has given me a heart for new york. I also know that he has placed all the people I have met along the way in my life for a reason.

It hurts, but I trust in Christ. He is my firm foundation and my loving father.

are we so different?

As a Christian I would like to think that I live my life differently, but do I?

Went to a friend's house last night for a party. Considering I was the only one there that was 1.female and 2.straight I am pretty sure I was the only Christian. I had a great time talking to people I knew and ones I had just met. Throughout the night I had a few really great one-on-one conversations with some of the guys. I always appreciate when people are honest and willing to talk about real issues. I have always know that within the gay culture there is a lot of importance place on appearance - this should be obvious, gay men tend to put much more effort into their appearance than straight guys - although last night it became more clear to me how much pressure there is in this culture to be thin, yet muscular, and dress well. That is a lot to live up to, especially for guys who are not naturally thin or don't build muscle easily. It is also sad because they perpetuate this, constantly making comments, obsessing over food and exercise, and comparing themselves to other guys.

The thing that is most heartbreaking is that this is where they find their worth. If they are thin, muscular, and attractive then they will be desired by others making them valuable.

As Christians are we different? What defines you and gives you worth?

God has taught me a lot in the past year, much of this teaching has been through the stripping away of everything that I found my worth in.

• I was laid-off and have been unemployed/underemployed for over a year now. Am I still valuable if I am not successful, or even productive?
• I lost some really close friendships within the past year. Am I still valuable if people do not desire to be close to me?
• I sold most of my possessions and moved across country. Am I still valuable if I have almost no physical possessions (or at least none of considerable worth)?
• I am single, getting older, and have not been in a relationship for a while. Am I stil valuable if I do not have anyone pursuing me?
  

As Christians we need to ask ourselves, "Is Jesus enough?". Or do we need the job, house, car, boyfriend/girlfriend, clothing, image, lifestyle, etc?

I would love to say that he is always enough, but the truth is that most of the time I still seek my worth in other things. I desire the things that society tells me are what make you important. I want the job, house, relationship, beauty. Yet when it comes down to it I know these things will not satisfy me.

When I hit the bottom and have nowhere else to turn my heart cries out for Jesus. He is the only thing that can truly satisfy me,and he does! There are many reasons I should not be happy right now, but I am! He is enough.

I always tell everyone I have no idea how people live in this crazy city. Without Christ I would be a basket case. I am especially amazed by my gay friends, how they survive in such a cruel and shallow culture. I love them and pray for them, that Jesus would grab a hold of them and change their lives. I know they are stronger than I am, and can only imagine what Christ could do with them.

be careful what you ask for

How true this statement is, especially when you are asking God.

Last year I started asking God, "teach me to live as you are in control". I think this request just came out of a desire to draw closer to him, or maybe it came when I was laid-off and not really sure of the future; regardless it has been a request that is consistently on my lips and one that God continues to answer in many ways.

One of the first ways he used this request was with my finances. I am not a naturally generous person, but through the generosity of others he has taught me to be generous. Even when it doesn't make sense - and trust me when you have been unemployed/underemployed for over a year it doesn't make sense! Yet he has called me to be generous and has blessed me beyond what I could imagine. Really though, I have not really worked in the past year yet I still traveled to asia and moved to nyc, and I am actually able to live in this amazingly crazy place!

Another way he has taught me to live as he is in control is through my job/life search. I know that God is calling me to work in the non-profit sector and has given me a heart for developing countries. he brought me to the home of the United Nations and has continued to teach and encourage me in this calling. Not that this journey has been easy, or even enjoyable at times. I have had 3 jobs - currently unemployed, and am on my second apartment. After the loss of my second job I hit a wall and was very stressed, trying to figure out what I was going to do and how I was going to make things work. It came to a breaking point the next day with 2 skype conversations with really amazing friends where I broke down. Both times they loved me and directed me back to Christ. The next day I took a sabbath and sought God. It was through this time of stillness that he spoke to me - you are not going to figure this out, I am, I am in control. What a revelation! I was stressed out because deep down I knew that I didn't have control and could not figure it out. He is the only one that can do this.

LORD - teach me to live as you are in control

He taught me this in a new way last night. At my current place one of my roommates and I have not been getting along. I think the issue is rooted in miscommunication and misunderstanding = bad living situation for both of us.

My friends know how important relationships are to me and how much they can affect me. This conflict has caused a lot of unnecessary pain and hurt feelings - more than I would like to admit. I have been seeking God through this, which doesn't mean that I have not been at fault, but that I want to honor him in this relationship and my life. He has spoken to me many times and lovingly guided me and helped me to flee from sin (aka gossip). He also gave me a word through a friend who knows nothing of the situation: Exodus 14:14, The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Ok, the LORD will fight for me, good, I like that. But you want me to be still? Don't I have to fight too? No - be still, rest in me, I will fight for you.

This became very clear last night when I asked my roommate to talk. The initial conversation was not good, and she wanted to have our other roommate be included. Fine - not sure why she needs to be part of this conversation but I don't think it could get much worse at this point. She went to let the other girl know what we were all going to talk about. What I though was going to be a 5 minute conversation turned into over an hour, with me sitting in my room meditating on the verse, being still and trusting that God was going to fight for me. Every time I wanted to get up and find out what the heck was going on he would remind me - I will fight for you, all you need to do is be still.

When she finally came back (without the other roommate) our conversation was better, but not good. I went to bed that night broken, but trusting that God would continue to fight for me, and asking him for comfort, peace, rest, and that he would be enough.

I woke up the next morning with a peace that did not make sense, and received an email from another friend, who also knew nothing of the situation, sharing her prayer for the day, "I am praying today that I feel just how much Jesus is more than enough. I will ask for this for you too". Amen. Not sure what will happen, but I do know that the LORD will fight for me and that he is enough.

LORD - teach me to live as you are in control