be careful what you ask for

How true this statement is, especially when you are asking God.

Last year I started asking God, "teach me to live as you are in control". I think this request just came out of a desire to draw closer to him, or maybe it came when I was laid-off and not really sure of the future; regardless it has been a request that is consistently on my lips and one that God continues to answer in many ways.

One of the first ways he used this request was with my finances. I am not a naturally generous person, but through the generosity of others he has taught me to be generous. Even when it doesn't make sense - and trust me when you have been unemployed/underemployed for over a year it doesn't make sense! Yet he has called me to be generous and has blessed me beyond what I could imagine. Really though, I have not really worked in the past year yet I still traveled to asia and moved to nyc, and I am actually able to live in this amazingly crazy place!

Another way he has taught me to live as he is in control is through my job/life search. I know that God is calling me to work in the non-profit sector and has given me a heart for developing countries. he brought me to the home of the United Nations and has continued to teach and encourage me in this calling. Not that this journey has been easy, or even enjoyable at times. I have had 3 jobs - currently unemployed, and am on my second apartment. After the loss of my second job I hit a wall and was very stressed, trying to figure out what I was going to do and how I was going to make things work. It came to a breaking point the next day with 2 skype conversations with really amazing friends where I broke down. Both times they loved me and directed me back to Christ. The next day I took a sabbath and sought God. It was through this time of stillness that he spoke to me - you are not going to figure this out, I am, I am in control. What a revelation! I was stressed out because deep down I knew that I didn't have control and could not figure it out. He is the only one that can do this.

LORD - teach me to live as you are in control

He taught me this in a new way last night. At my current place one of my roommates and I have not been getting along. I think the issue is rooted in miscommunication and misunderstanding = bad living situation for both of us.

My friends know how important relationships are to me and how much they can affect me. This conflict has caused a lot of unnecessary pain and hurt feelings - more than I would like to admit. I have been seeking God through this, which doesn't mean that I have not been at fault, but that I want to honor him in this relationship and my life. He has spoken to me many times and lovingly guided me and helped me to flee from sin (aka gossip). He also gave me a word through a friend who knows nothing of the situation: Exodus 14:14, The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Ok, the LORD will fight for me, good, I like that. But you want me to be still? Don't I have to fight too? No - be still, rest in me, I will fight for you.

This became very clear last night when I asked my roommate to talk. The initial conversation was not good, and she wanted to have our other roommate be included. Fine - not sure why she needs to be part of this conversation but I don't think it could get much worse at this point. She went to let the other girl know what we were all going to talk about. What I though was going to be a 5 minute conversation turned into over an hour, with me sitting in my room meditating on the verse, being still and trusting that God was going to fight for me. Every time I wanted to get up and find out what the heck was going on he would remind me - I will fight for you, all you need to do is be still.

When she finally came back (without the other roommate) our conversation was better, but not good. I went to bed that night broken, but trusting that God would continue to fight for me, and asking him for comfort, peace, rest, and that he would be enough.

I woke up the next morning with a peace that did not make sense, and received an email from another friend, who also knew nothing of the situation, sharing her prayer for the day, "I am praying today that I feel just how much Jesus is more than enough. I will ask for this for you too". Amen. Not sure what will happen, but I do know that the LORD will fight for me and that he is enough.

LORD - teach me to live as you are in control